The Top 6 List
By Phillip Barnhard
Cargo shorts. Capri pants. The smell of coconut oil. Yep, spring break’s upon us, so slather on the sunscreen and put on your shades because the Top 6 List reflects on things to do during March’s wildest week.
6. See Ya, Kiddos!
The grandparents always ask for more quality time with their grandchildren, so surprise your youngsters with a six-day, seven-night trip to the all-inclusive resort, Casa Abuelos. While there, your children can consume all the Werther’s Originals and hard peppermint candy their little hearts desire. While they’re away, you’ll enjoy long naps, the dramatic decrease in potty breaks and an increase in nightlife. It’s a win-win-win situation.
For the sake of the list, let’s just assume No. 6 is a go, and you’re kid-free for spring break.
5. Viva Las Vegas
Like a moth, you’ve been attracted to this gambling mecca by the bright lights running across the Las Vegas Strip. You’re a sucker for cheap buffets, penny slots and placing a few sports bets – which is perfect since it’s March Madness. Enjoy the complimentary beverages as you pour dollar-after-dollar into Keno and video poker. One thing to remember: objects are farther than they appear in Vegas. Although the Bellagio hotel might look close to the Wynn, don’t let those complimentary beverages talk you into walking. Marathons have been shorter than a trip down the Strip.
4. Amuse(ment) Yourself
Let out your inner child and cut loose at your local amusement park. Ride some of your favorite roller coasters and dig into a beehive of cotton candy. Next, hit up the midway and ring-toss your way to a gigantic-stuffed animal. Make sure you do it early, so you can haul the monstrosity all across the park and show off your triumph. When people in line ask how you got it, embellish about how your fingers were sticky from the cotton candy but with your final ring, the release ricocheted off several bottles and bystanders before hoola-hooping a lone 2-liter neck. But 10 years later, be prepared to explain to your spouse why you insist on keeping the stuffed trophy in the living room and not in the attic.
3. The Great Outdoors
There’s no better way to reconnect with Mother Nature than to spend a few days and nights at a state or national park. It’s your last chance to enjoy the cool evening air before temperatures turn from warm to sweltering. During the day, traverse several nature trails, feed a few furry animals and roast as many marshmallows as possible. At night, snuggle up to a can of bear mace because if you didn’t store all your snacks in a safe place, there’s a good chance Goldilocks’ three friends will be taking a late-night romp around your campsite. Waking up to a bowl of warm porridge seems out of the question.
2. Road Trip
Load up the family truckster and venture out into the heartland like the Griswolds in National Lampoon’s Vacation. By swinging through Michigan, you can check off “visit the world’s largest tire, cherry pie and weathervane” on your bucket list. Drive through tourist traps like Boring, Ore., Hot Coffee, Miss. and Bigfoot, Texas. And along the way, don’t forget to annoy every truck driver you see by giving them the “honk your horn because mine’s puny” forearm gesture until they grant your wish.
1. World Tour Courtesy of Google Earth
Limited budget? Let Google Earth be your travel agent this spring break. Where else can your daily travel itinerary include a swing through Somalia, parading through Paris and a Tokyo takeover? While on the application, play some of my favorite games like “Locate My Car” and “Locate My Friend’s Car.” Once done looking at Earth, switch over to the sky and take a glance at our neighboring galaxies. Locate the star your mom bought you for $50 when you turned 8 years old. With the American housing market in turmoil, you run the risk of carrying over some of that depreciating land value to your star – unless it supernovas. If that happens, you can kiss your intergalactic nest egg goodbye.
E-mail the author: Phillip Barnhard