The Top 6 List
By Nathan Johnson
By the time you read this, everyone in your life that can go back to school probably has. We won’t focus too much on the students. They obviously aren’t excited about heading back to the hallowed halls of learning. Instead, we here at Brand Flakes would like to take a minute to remind you that we feel your pain … a pain you experience every year around this time, whether you’ve got kiddos in school or not. Allow us now to share with you, the Top 6 least pleasant aspects of the time of year when kids go back to school. (Special note: No algebra, geometry, trigonometry or calculus was used in the development of this article – proving, once again, that you never have to use that stuff.)
6. The Back-to-school Bash
Maybe you really love alliteration, and maybe you also really love big events. The back-to-school bash gives you both. The only problem is that you can’t seem to go more than a few feet at any mini mall or flip through more than a few pages of a newspaper without seeing back-to-school bash signs or ads. For every legitimately exciting back-to-school bash event, there’s an equally lame back-to-school bash at Wynonna’s Yarn Barn or Harvey’s Hubcap Heaven. Just to spice up the phraseology, here are some suggested alternatives to the common Back-to-school Bash: Matriculation Madness, Education Extravaganza or Scholastic Soiree.
5. School Nightmares
Right about this time of year is when you get them – the dreams where you’re back in school and you’ve forgotten to do your homework or you’re standing naked in front of the class or your principal is Freddy Krueger with paddles where his knived-fingers should be. You wake up covered in sweat, and it takes you a couple of groggy minutes to remember that you graduated 20 years ago. Maybe this is a good time to pull a few of those all-nighter movie marathons. The less sleep you get right now, the better.
4. More Traffic
There’s probably a very logical explanation for the unavoidable increase in traffic once the school year starts back up. But you’re not very interested in logical explanations when your once-smooth trip from home to office or vice versa now finds you backed up in traffic every day for the next several weeks while everyone figures out how to drop off and pick up the kids from school. On the upside, there’s something oddly comforting about hearing more of those weather and traffic updates every 10 minutes on talk radio.
3. Fundraisers
Don’t get us wrong. Donating to a good cause is important, but it would be nice if that didn’t somehow involve your co-workers lining up outside of your office with raffle tickets for an oil change on the other side of the city, those brochures that dare you to find an appetizing flavor of exotic popcorn or handfuls of “the world’s best chocolate.”
2. Long Lines at the Chiropractor
Getting in to see your chiropractor used to be easy, but as backpacks become overstuffed with books, homework and other school supplies, the kids need the back cracking more than you. Weren’t they all supposed to be using featherweight notebook PCs by now? Also, where’s my flying car?
1. School Zones
Isn’t it funny how every summer, you forget how many school zones you have to drive through on your way to work? Good thing Johnny Law comes out in force this time of year to help you remember.
E-mail the author: Nathan Johnson
Click here to e-mail this article to a friend.
