The Top 6 List
By Nathan Rome
It's October and you know what that means: The ever-rampant distribution of the world's best, and worst, horror movies across all 800-plus channels on your cable box. And with all this terrifying greatness, you can expect even greater clichés. Everything from completely bypassing the front door for the stairs to screaming for 10 minutes while the murderer slowly makes his way toward the able-bodied victim will be displayed across millions of televisions around the nation. Luckily, we're the experts in crisis planning and management at M/C/C, which is why we've created this list of ways to avoid becoming the next horror cliché.
6. Note all exits in your house
You would think this would be a no-brainer, but as horror movies have proved time-and-time again, it's not. Take five minutes and just walk around your house and note the exits. Front door? Check. Back door? Check. Patio door? Check. Create a list, write it on your hand, put it in your wallet or whatever you want to do, just don't run up the stairs. Also, just an FYI, a pantry or closet is not an exit. I know it's a door, and I guess it can be confusing to actors and actresses, but there's not a magic way out of the house in there. Remember, if the murderer went through the effort to break into your house, he/she will probably not mind having to open a door or two to find you.
5. Practice walking or running
You can practice this while exercising or in pretty much all aspects of your life, but just try to run down a street or through your front door without falling. You can increase your chances of getting away from someone or something if you practice this simple step. For an advanced version of this technique you can practice running and tripping someone at the same time. This way, if you're running from something and alongside someone, you can trip them and hope that the monster will get them and leave you alone. Please note, this is an advanced step and not meant for beginners as it could lead to you falling in the process and thereby becoming the bait for the other person to get away, which defeats the purpose of this technique entirely.
Also, if you do happen to fall down, please, please, please get up immediately. Don't sit there and stare at the scrape you may have gotten on your knee. Don't take a second to catch your breath or note that your neighbor finally got around to putting those new rose bushes in. Just get up and go. Remember, a murderer is chasing you. Once again, it’s something you would think is common sense, but, as evident from most horror movies, isn't.
4. Listen to your kids
I know, I know, kids say the darndest things and have tons of unwarranted fears and active imaginations. That being said, take the extra 10 seconds and check out their closets or under their beds just to make sure there's not really something there. If they start talking to white noise in the television, it's probably a good idea to talk to them about it for a minute and see what the television is telling them. If they are sleeping all day, out all night and hanging out with a "bad crowd" then they are probably teenagers, but if they start demonstrating distaste for the sun or light in general or have developed an affinity for your neck then you might want to watch them brush their teeth. Sure their imaginations may be a bit active at times, but it could be something larger, and there's nothing worse than hearing "I told you so" from your kids.
3. Stay away from Native American cemeteries
I guess the politically correct term here would be First Nation cemeteries, but no matter what you call them, unless you're visiting the grave of a lost relative, stay away. Don't build your house on top of one, don't let your kids hang out in one and under no circumstance bury a pet or loved one in one unless you're actually Native American. Not only is it illegal, it's just unhygienic. If, for some reason, you do bury something in one of these cemeteries and it reappears on your doorstep seemingly alive and well, chances are something's wrong and you shouldn't approach it. I know you loved your dog, but there are probably some side-effects from being recently-deceased that may adversely affect your health.
2. Don't just "hang out" when there's a serial killer out and about
I know there's nothing like a nice evening out with your significant other, but if you've recently heard stories on the news about how police are looking for a serial killer in your area, it's probably not a good idea to hang out outside with no one around - especially with your headlights on and the radio blaring. Believe it or not, those things tend to attract people...and serial killers. Also, if the girl says she's hearing something outside, that's probably not a sign that she wants to keep necking. I'm no psychologist, but it means she probably heard something outside and you need to go. Don’t get outside of the car to prove your manliness. Just go.
1. Get Caller ID
It's this nifty feature on your phone that tells you who's calling so that when the killer calls you don't have to go through the whole "who is this and where are you" scenario. Keep getting cryptic messages on your answering machine and home phone? Look at the Caller ID and then report them to the police, or pick it up and tell Joe to quit calling you.
I know what you're thinking. Who uses a landline phone anymore? Any modern serial killer would know to call you on your cell phone. We've got you covered there, too. There's a service called Privus Mobile that will give you Caller ID on your cell phone. You can even save the Caller ID information to your contacts instantly. See, you've just turned a killer into a contact. Now doesn't that sound much less threatening?
E-mail the author: Nathan Rome
